Not Much More than Bore and Snore: My 2014 Emmys Red Carpet Recap

The Emmys are long over, and the verdicts are definitely in: too many red gowns, too many white gowns, too few fabulous jewels, too many wins for Modern Family. But hey, other than that they were great! (Sarcasm.)

Who here wants to Polka? Suddenly I’m hungry for Kielbasa.

Re: fashion – Whose idea was it to make the Emmy’s look like the Polish flag? Since when was Poland ever fashionable? It gets crazy cold there. Loads of snow and kielbasa, plus hats, coats, and scarves, which is not usually what I think of when I think “awards season.” And while I adore the color red – seriously, it’s been my absolute favorite color since before Pantone existed – somewhere I felt like some new style council co-sponsored by Crayola, Coca-Cola, and Lucifer, himself, must have gotten all of the stylists together and promised them a lifetime supply of colored pencils and freedom from eternal damnation if they dressed their clients in the crimson hue. I mean, I, unlike most, get it. The color is attention-commanding. It screams of power and of sensuality. It beckons the eyes of those present to stare longingly and wantonly at the person brave enough to don the color in such a public forum. Like I said, I get it, but there is such a thing as overdoing it, and on this particular red carpet, it felt evilly overdone.

Yet, almost as if the Archangel Raphael (as in, celebrity stylist Karen Raphael) saw what Beelzebub was planning, he decided to swoop in from his perch on catholicmatch.com’s website to give that little devil a run for his money by shrouding the good wives (though ironically enough, she was cloaked in black) in the absence of color… white. Oh, the punny headlines, they were a plenty. My friend and #emmyjewelry event tweeter, Michael Schechter, quipped, “Looking forward to groaning at ‘Celebs Say I Do To White’ headlines…” and man, was he on the money.

Variety Magazine: “Emmy Fashion: Red, White, and Safe All Over”

T.V. Guide: “Emmys Fashions: White Hot Looks”

LA Times: “White Outfits on the Red Carpet”

TheDressDown.com: “2014 Emmys: All White, All White, All White!” (I will at least give this one a point for creativity.)

(Shaking head) Who writes this crap?

If I were one of the dozens of actresses dressed in either red or white at this event I’d have canned my stylist via text message back stage, that’s how pissed I would have been. “I can’t believe you put me in white, Phillipe! This is what I pay you to do, for fuck’s sake! You get major cash to make me stand out and now I’m a photo grid on People.com, in between Robin Wright’s backless pantsuit and Sofia Vergara’s pantyless backside. I CAN’T COMPETE WITH THAT! Were you deceased when you dressed me?? Guess what? I’m Donald Trump. And guess what else? You’re fired.”

Clearly it would have been a really long text. I’d say several “dings” worth.

But I will admit that even with the commonality of fashion color trends, there were some definite standouts. My favorites in white were OITNB’s Laverne Cox wearing Marc Bouwer with Fred Leighton jewelry (more on those jewels coming up), and Angela Bassett (she’s 56, y’all!) in a long-sleeved Elisabetta Franchi wrap dress with gold accents and jewels by David Yurman. In red(ish), I adored Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Carolina Herrera with Lorraine Schwartz jewelry even though I was disappointed in her for forgetting who designed her clutch. She’s usually the one I depend on for those things. (Gives disapproving look.)

A few (a very few) of the pieces that stood out at the 2014 Emmys

Re: jewelry – Whether you loved or hated the jewels on the carpet there is one thing we can all agree on… there weren’t a lot of them. Or, better yet, there weren’t a lot of them with umph. Or there weren’t a lot that stood out. Or many that were made by those who weren’t the usual suspects. Don’t get me wrong, I thank Deity every awards show for the likes of Fred Leighton, Chopard, Neil Lane, and Lorraine Schwartz, for sometimes, it seems that without them we would have no bling to gawk at, at all. And I know, I know, the jewelry often… no, always… takes a back seat to the dress and in reality there’s only a small percentage of us in this business who scream for today’s Liz Taylor of the jewelry world. Sadly, we didn’t get her on this red carpet, but I’m optimistic that we may see her in the near future.

So what did we see Monday night? Well, we saw yellow gold in many forms, which I’m sure made several people in this industry very wealthy happy. We saw it take the form of a Fred Leighton salamander on the back of Kristin Wiig, as well as an Ana Khouri tiara in Michelle Dockery’s hair. We saw it plentifully donning Christina Hendricks’ ears, wrists, and fingers via designer Neil Lane, and we saw it by Lorraine Schwartz surrounding gorgeously classic canary yellow diamonds on Lucy Liu. We also saw several platinum pieces like the fabulous ninety-five carat Chopard diamond necklace on Kate Walsh (though it would have stood out more on a lower-cut gown) as well as on Laverne Cox in the form of Fred Leighton diamond earrings, bracelet, and Art Deco brooches sewn into her dress. Other stars wearing platinum were “Pregnant” Panettiere, “Matthew Was Supposed To Remember Who Designed My Dress” Alves, and “I Can’t Pronounce Anyone’s Name Tonight” Stefani, which is the perfect segue into my next category…

Re: mispronunciations/forgetting who designed your free wearables – Robin Givhan wrote a fantastic article for the Washington Post last week titled “Pushing Products on Emmys Red Carpet” that put into perspective this specific topic. “Monday night, the poor, overwhelmed stars of the small screen were finding it impossible to remember all the names of the brands that gave or lent them their one-night wardrobe of fancy stuff,” she quipped, and continued with, “Model Camila Alves could not remember who designed her white, embroidered gown. And when husband Matthew McConaughey, wearing a lapis-blue tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana, whispered the name in her ear, he only managed to remember half of it and mispronounced the half he did recall. Something with a ‘Z’, he gamely offered. Poor Zuhair Murad was sitting in his atelier weeping.”

If you were following the jewelry industry hierarchy at the hashtag #emmyjewelry last Monday evening, then you already know how these acts of “forgetfulness” bother the hell out of me. Am I supposed to have empathy for those WHOSE JOB IT IS TO MEMORIZE LINES FOR A LIVING when they just happen to… oops… not know who provided them with everything they’re wearing? And I’m sorry, but seriously, are they really forgetting or do they just not give a rat’s ass? If the Dalai Lama gave them a brooch to wear at the Emmys and someone from E! asked about said brooch (though, having someone from E! ask about the jewelry would be far-fetched, in and of itself) are we really to believe that they’d “forget” that it was from the Dalai Lama? No. I don’t believe that for a second. I believe that they’d scream it into the microphone because they would CARE enough to *remember*… and that really is where I have a problem. Big houses like Fred Leighton and Chopard have so much revenue that it’s not a huge burden on them to cloak celebrities in hundreds of carats of diamonds, yet a lot of celebrities walking the various red carpets can afford to pay for the jewelry they’re wearing, but they don’t have to. And so when a lesser-known designer comes along who has put their heart and soul (and money!) into making jewelry (or a gown, or a clutch) spectacular enough to appear in such an elaborate spotlight, it is, in my opinion, the duty of the celebrity to care enough to know the name or brand of the designer who was kind enough to dress them, in every format that dressing occurs. Yes, it gives exposure to the designer and yes, that means that it does work both ways, but let’s face it, who do you think is really coming out on top here?

I have an idea, or rather, a suggestion for the talented (and not-so-talented… I’m looking at you, Mrs. Rossdale) folks in the entertainment industry that could potentially help them not look so awkward, and frankly, so entitled, on the red carpets of the future: write your providers down on a piece of paper, a la an acceptance speech. Take a tiny yellow Post-it note and simply scribe…

Shoes: Giuseppe Zanotti (so fab)

Dress: Helmut Lang (a personal fave)

Jewels: Irene Neuwirth (we want to see more!)

Clutch: Insert Clutch Maker Here (I really don’t know many)

The television world and we fickle bloggers will be thrilled that you cared enough to give CORRECTLY PRONOUNCED shout-outs to those who rightfully deserved them and chances are you’ll become our new heroine/hero. And yeah, we know that you don’t *have* to impress us, or anyone for that matter, but there’s a point where you must ask yourself what the appropriate thing to do would be, and this small gesture would potentially make you look golden to the masses, and everyone will feel better in the long run, believe me.

So, that’s what I’ve got for you, loves. On a sad note but completely related, I am heartbroken to hear about Joan Rivers’ medical situation and have so many fond comedic memories of her from my childhood into my adulthood. Funny, beautiful women seem to be few and far between in Hollywood, and those who can make fun of themselves seem to be even scarcer. The world never knew the likes of Joan Rivers and likely never will again, so I will end this post with some of my favorite and fitting quotes from The Funny Lady, herself:

“I’m in nobody’s circle; I’ve always been an outsider.”

“I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.”

“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. Things are happening.”

And of course…

“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

How This All Got Started

The Awesomeness of Thirty, Part 2: This Industry Is FLIPPING RAD!

Way back on August 9^th of last year I published my first full-length blog post right here on Adornmentality. “The Awesomeness of Thirty” was my second published post but the first to disseminate my comedic and sometimes over-the-top style of writing. Once it was live it felt like an accurate way to show the blogosphere that I had arrived and planned on staying. Today, on the one-year anniversary of the day that Adornmentality was launched, I give to you my thirtieth published post.

*****

The “City”

The City, to me, is as familiar as it is strange. It represents lotteries won as much as it does deaths in the family. Its tunnels are vacuums sucking me into its temptations. Its bridges, outstretched arms letting me know that it will hold me when I need it to. Its high-rises remind me of both its strength and its vulnerability as they glow proudly in the dawn, yet weep silently in the dusk. The City, is my home away from my home away from home. It’s the taller, prettier, more interesting sister of my native Philadelphia, and it has brought me more joy, pain, ecstasy, and heartache than one should ever be allowed to feel in a lifetime.

Ear Climbers by Mrs. T at Luxe Intelligence

The City is where I and many others get into trouble. The City, to quote the song “Sea of Love” by The National, is where “Trouble will find me…” and it does, and it has, and it likely will again, but this time the City was nothing more than a platonic friend who asked me out for coffee so that they could talk shit about politics and discuss the latest earring trend being seen on red carpets everywhere. I decided I’d sneak a flask full of bourbon into the coffee shop on 43^rd because let’s face it, what’s a little gossip without a little booze, yeah? Yet as I expected, the City brought their own, only theirs was a Macallan 18, in a thermos the size of a fire extinguisher.

I love you, City. I’m so happy to be in you. I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now.

*****

Andrea Hansen in the background. Mrs. T. Caviar Rings up front

If you haven’t had the privilege of spending a couple of hours with WJA President Andrea Hansen in her LUXEIntelligence showroom on West 45^th, you’re missing out on the kind of experience that stays with you long after the buzz from the bottle of Chardonnay that the two of you killed while there has worn off. This is how I spent the first few hours of my Saturday in New York. So many jewels to gawk at/rings to try on/questions to ask/answers to ponder/grams to Insta. She’s a gift to our industry, this woman, like many before her and many beside. And if you’re a designer looking to publicize your brand, I suggest making LUXE your first stop as you consider your investments.

New York Jewelry Market Week is nothing like Vegas. That’s not to say that shenanigans weren’t or aren’t had. New York is the Mecca of the U.S. jewelry industry and every year thousands of buyers flock to the two major summer shows (JA-NY held at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center, and JCK Luxury Prive held this year at the Waldorf Astoria) in the hopes of getting their holiday orders in before it’s too late (What are you waiting for, people??? I’VE GOT MOUTHS TO FEED!). Also held the same week are some major industry events, including the AGS Circle of Distinction Dinner, and the long awaited and always anticipated, WJA Awards for Excellence Gala.

Last year’s post, “The Awesomeness of Thirty,” largely focused on the Women’s Jewelry Association’s 30^th birthday that was celebrated grandly at the Awards for Excellence event. This year’s gala marked the WJA’s 31^st year, yet the event was no less spectacular and not without surprise. Gala chair Natalie Humphrey of Forevermark blew the eventually uproarious crowd away with her live (hear that, Lana del Fake? LIVE. As in, ‘not pre-recorded for studio audiences’) piano-accompanied rendition of “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend.” Not to be outdone, Platinum Guild president Huw Daniel led an all-male striptease act (a-la “Magic Mike”) that included guest appearances by Darwin Copeman, Kevin Reilly, and a surprisingly – shall we say, (ahem) gifted – Matthew Tratner.

WRITE!

(I threw that last part in to see if you were paying attention. Clearly no one stripped while at the event. I cannot speak for what Mr. Copeman does in his spare time, however. I’m just sayin’. I’m pretty sure I saw him pay for his drinks in damp one dollar bills.)

Half of the #VegasGems seated at the GUMUCHIAN table

The 2014 Awards for Excellence winners included Heather Moore, Michelle Graff, Chana Regev, Kim Adams, Cathy Calhoun, Amy Jackson, Jennifer Peck, Desiree Hanson, Rosanna Doherty, and Fran Pennella. The Lifetime Achievement Award, (in case you’ve been living in a swan’s nest and this is the only industry blog you read) was given to the AGS’s Ruth Batson, and the Ben Kaiser Award was given to Jewelers of America President and CEO, Dave Bonaparte. Richline (not to be confused with Richemont or Rich People Who Only Wear Brands By Richemont) received the Corporate Award, just to prove, yet again, that Corporations are indeed people. Wait… what?

As usual, my ladies – the #VegasGems – were representin’ at the event with every one as gorgeous as the next. Also representin’ were my boobs, but that’s for another blog post, entirely. I spent a large part of the evening hootin’ and a hollerin’ from my table for my favorite nominees which eventually enticed Jeff Post to lean over from his table to remind me that I wasn’t at a Flyers game. Sorry err’body. I blame the pinot grigio.

Left to right: Yours Truly, designer Wendy Brandes, and A4E nominee Monica Stephenson of Idazzle.

This year’s massive dessert spread and after-party were sponsored by the consumer-facing, uber-popular World Gold Council initiative, LoveGold. (***EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS POST IS NOT SPONSORED BY LOVEGOLD. HOWEVER, MATTHEW TRATNER DID GIVE ME TEN BUCKS TO ALLUDE TO HIS ANATOMIC GIFTEDNESS. I REPEAT: LOVEGOLD HAS NOT SPONSORED THIS POST IN ANY WAY. FYI THAT TEN DOLLAR BILL WAS ALSO SORT OF DAMP***) At this time of night there’d been more champagne passed around than a Kardashian in a frat house so everybody was having themselves a fabulously lovegoldelicious time. One particularly fun part of this event the last couple of years has been Rio Tinto’s “Diamonds With a Story” photo booth which by this late hour had a line longer than the Starbucks inside Javits at 8:50 a.m.

The WJA A4E gala is my favorite jewelry industry event of the year for several reasons. Mainly, I get to spend time with women I adore and network among some of the biggest names in the biz. I’ve never felt as if I wasn’t among peers at this event… I’d even go so far as to say that I feel even more as if I am among family. Ever have someone tell you something positive that was so unexpected you actually felt a shift in your life take place where you stood? That happened to me at A4E. Someone pulled me aside and said “You’re like the Dorothy Parker of jewelry. Keep going. Make your mark.” And I haven’t been able to will the moment out of my skull. Nor can I stop laughing at Mrs. Parker’s famous quote when asked to use “horticulture” in a sentence…

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

Man, I would have loved to have hung out with her. Maybe because I see similarities between us. Maybe, if Dorothy Parker lived today, and wrote a blog, and was who she was back then, now, she’d have celebrated her one-year anniversary in the way that I suggested I wanted to celebrate mine… by letting everyone who has ever read it flip her a big’ ole middle finger. So many innuendos. So many hidden meanings. And so much of her personality in this one, simple, inappropriate gesture.

You gals (and guys)… y’all are something else, I’ll tell you that. Thanks for taking part in my little #birdsforwords experiment and for letting me enter your lives over these last twelve months. Let’s keep this thing going, yeah? And lastly, let’s take a look at the #birdsforwords that are now and forever part of the internets.

Smooches. On to the next year!