It’s that time of year again, kids. Have you made your overpriced brunch reservations yet? NO?? Ordered the floral arrangement to be delivered to her office so that her co-workers get jealous at how awesome you are as a husband and/or son and/or baby daddy? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘NOT YET’??? You better check your Amex balance then, ‘cause guess who’s buying jewelry this year? You got it, Monsieur Procrastinator… that would be you. But never you fear, I’m in your corner this year, and I’ve broken it down below based on the type of woman (or women, for certain Utah residents in the room) your mom/wife/significant other is just to make it even easier on your sorry self. Don’t thank me just yet, at least, not until you see how much you’re in for. Oh, who am I kidding? Go on ahead and thank me. I deserve it. There you go. Didn’t that feel good? And you. Are. Welcome. But don’t let it happen again.

Rebel Mom

If this mom doesn’t flinch when her kids’ friends ask her if the tattoo of the vampire Lestat de Lioncourt on her left breast hurt when she got it, then she’ll go nuts if you give her these Ileana Makri safety pin earrings in 18K gold and black diamonds from the “Punk” collection. Oh, this mom has ear discs, you say, so unfortunately she can’t wear earrings anymore? No problemo! The collection also offers a safety pin pendant necklace, so you’re not off the hook that easily, Champ. The ad for safety pins on Mother’s Day should be as follows:

SAFETY PINS

They hold stuff together, they look fabulous, AND they’re badass… just like mom!

Stargazer Mom

For the annoyingly endlessly positive, dreamer mom who always sees the glass as half full (usually with a liquid such as cherry soda or chocolate milk), I recommend this 22K gold plated Elizabeth and James “Compass” ring made with three white topaz stars and co-designed by none other than those adorable Olsen twins. Mom will be so overwhelmed by the cuteness that she may just put herself into a happiness-induced coma at which time you will be able to watch all of the Game of Thrones episodes she doesn’t normally allow you to.

Conservative Mom

A mom who wouldn’t be caught dead in sparkly blue nail-polish or who is often overheard using adjectives such as “divine” and “simply darling” will likely think that these 18K white gold and diamond South Sea pearl earrings by Mastoloni are the “bees knees.” Be sure you mention to her how fabulous they’re going to look against her perfectly coifed bob and freshly pressed Talbots suit. She may even head to the kitchen to whip you up some sugar-free peach cobbler as a thank you afterward. Some simply divine, sugar-free peach cobbler.

Glamazon Mom

Did your mom/wife/baby momma have a lifetime subscription to Vogue until she cancelled it because they put Kim Kardashian and Kanye West on the cover? If so then she’s my hero and I’m hoping she’ll adopt me. And to make it more appealing for her to do so, if she’s able to get the adoption completed before Mother’s Day, I will totally buy her this 18K yellow and white gold diamond bracelet from Gumuchian’s “Gallop” collection. I happen to “know” some folks who work for them so I get a pretty decent discount, and after all, who wouldn’t love to have me for their kid? I’m uber cuddly and smell like strawberries & good wine.

Tree Hugging Mom

This mom grows her own kale, raises her own chickens (yet doesn’t eat them!) and is constantly on your back about recycling, but hey, that’s okay, because she’s in good standing with our other mother… Earth. What this mom needs, however, is decent deodorant. But since that makes for a pretty crappy Mother’s Day gift, I recommend these beautiful Kara Daniel “Crescent” earrings made from recycled 14K rose gold and sustainable blackened stainless steel.  She’ll be so proud to know that she had an impact on your purchase and I’m sure you’ll feel good realizing that you did your part by being environmentally conscious. OOOOoooooohhhhhmmmmmm.

Fitness Guru Mom

If you can catch this mom in between her Mother’s Day Half Marathon and the “Boot Camp for Mommies” class she’ll be teaching immediately following, be sure you give her a gift she can wear that won’t get in the way. Puma, of all companies, makes a pretty cool ladies’ sports watch that sells for sixty bucks. Made with lightweight plastic, this thing was built for runners with a 1/100th-second chronograph timer, 50-lap memory, and a split-time counter.

PUMA… not just for mid-80’s rappers and Italian mob bosses any more. Or rather, PUMA… now for moms!

Urban Mom

THIS is a mom after my own heart. She was likely raised by her own urban mom which means she’s not afraid to ride public transportation with her kids, she knows how to defend herself against a mugger, and she’s already taught her daughter how to kick the boys’ asses at basketball. What this mom deserves is some g-damned Wendy Brandes bling. Wendy allows you to buy individual letter rings on her website so you *could* go all cutesy on her by getting the “M-O-M” initials, or, if the mom you’re buying for is a little, shall we say, forward thinking, you could break down and get her the “IDGAF” necklace or even a pair of the “I’m flipping you the bird right now” stud earrings. I’m sure she’ll love any of the choices. Or, maybe she’ll throw them at you. I really don’t know. She’s not my mother. But I wish you luck.

Cul-de-sac Mom

Silly you… this woman can’t live on vodka, Bunko, church, and gossip alone! She needs JEWELS, dangit! Something that will make that b*tch Veronica at the tennis club and her Wisteria Lane cronies jealous over. This calls for something special. Oh yeah. This calls for something really special. I’m thinking this 18K gold and diamond Erica Courtney “Wish” ring containing a gorgeous seven-and-a-half carat pink tourmaline center will do the trick. Can you imagine the look on Veronica’s face? Oh, to be a fly on the country club’s wall, if only at that very moment.

This Mom Right Here

(Ahem) What the hell, right?

Hey! Kids! If you’re reading this, you’re too young, so get off of Mommy’s computer and go hand it to Daddy. Then go get his glasses because he’s going to ask you for them anyway. Thanks.

Hi! Hello! Hey, this is the mother of your two kids right here. It’s me. Your wife of ten years. How’re ya doin’? Good…listen… about my gift, all I’d like from you for this Mother’s Day is to not have to do the dishes, and a four carat natural pink diamond. That’s it. Just those two things. And if you can’t do both, just the diamond will do. Thanks. Love you bunches.

Happy Mother’s Day to you moms!