If there’s one thing I understand fairly well in this universe, it’s men. With a stay-at-home dad and two older brothers growing up, I found (and find) myself naturally more comfortable in their company. Ask me any question about the 1980 World Series-winning Philadelphia Phillies roster, the management team of the 1986 Philadelphia Flyers, or how fast the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane travels, and I’ve got an answer for you. I can use a firearm with great precision, (except for that one time. Sorry, Nana) throw a spiral, and hook a flounder, all while smoking a big, fat, Cuban cigar, so I repeat…

If there’s one thing I understand fairly well in this universe, it’s men.  

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The 2014 Oscars red carpet may go down in history as the year of the #manbling which is why I decided to write this particular Oscar jewelry recap about the otherwise usually lesser sex (as it pertains to jewels. And, well, politics.) Happily, jewelry in general was prevalent this year no matter which sex it was adorning, so finding information and images about who wore what was easier than it usually is. It helps that while I was live-tweeting the Oscars red carpet, I had two of our industry’s leading ladies beside me to help me figure out (a.) Who the hell that actor was, and (b.) What the hell was floating in my drink. Wait, I mean (b.) Which designer allowed said actor to buy steal borrow the masterpiece they were wearing. (Thank you Jen Heeber and Cindy Edelstein!) So let’s start at the top, shall we?

BRAD F***ING PITT

Wait, you mean you never knew Brad’s middle name was “Fleming”? You need to spend more time on Wiki, sister. Look that s**t up! It means “From the lowlands; Dutch one”… and what better way to complement a lowly Dutch-named boy who isn’t actually Dutch than with a blinged-out ring that would have made both my Italian father and Junior Soprano murder jump with joy?! Angie (as we insiders call her) allegedly helped design Brad’s monstrous rose gold, twenty-plus carat star sapphire Robert Procop ring which he prominently displayed on the ring finger of his right hand while with his left hand, flipped the bird to those who said he would never win an Oscar. Well done, Brad. You are living, breathing proof that a man can star in a movie with Bruce Willis at some point in his life and still win an Oscar. Bravo! OR as they said in Dutch… “Bravo!” (Editor’s note: Fleming is not Brad Pitt’s actual middle name.)

PHARRELL PH***ING WILLIAMS

Apparently missing his flight to Bermuda, the incomparable Pharrell Williams decided instead to attend the 86^th annual Academy Awards. Never one to be shy about jewelry, The Hatted One adorned a yellow diamond ring by red carpet veteraness, Lorraine Schwartz, as well as his signature stacked Ofira bracelets while performing the song “Happy” from the minion-filled movie, “Despicable Me 2.” Here’s hoping Pharrell finds the lower part of his pants at next year’s Oscars. He might want to check with the minions. From what I hear, they also stole Anne Hathaway’s personality and Jennifer Aniston’s original nose.

BRADLEY OMIGODILOVEHIM COOPER

Now, here’s a nice Italian, Philly-raised boy who does his ancestors proud in the jewelry category. Bradley Cooper isn’t just the person connected to the arm that held the phone for Ellen’s now record-breaking Oscar selfie, he’s also an actor who has genuine talent, a supermodel girlfriend, and a 1937 Classic Chopard L.U.C. watch. That, at least, is what the world knows about Bradley Cooper’s jewels because of what they can read on various websites running Oscar wrap-ups. What most don’t know, however, is the significance of the thin, plain, yellow gold wedding band that he wears on his right hand. That band belonged to Bradley’s father, Charles, who passed away at the age of 71 in January of 2011. If that doesn’t make your head explode with even more adoration, I’m not sure what will.

JARED MYHAIRISBETTERTHANYOURS LETO

I’ll admit it… I’m big enough to confess that I scoffed at all of the white tuxedo jackets at this year’s Academy Awards. I sarcastically tweeted over and over and over that I had expected Ryan Seacrest to clear my table and that Matthew McConaughey forgot to bring me the Bananas Foster I ordered, but the moment I saw that flowing-haired figure walk on the red carpet in white, it was as if the archangel Michael himself shook his finger at me and told me to stop. Oh, Jared Leto… how I crave thy cheekbones of high and bowtie of red. And how I fell in love just a little more deeply when I noticed your matching platinum and ruby shirt studs by Neil Lane. What courage it took to speak of the issues in Ukraine and Venezuela, all the while knowing that the orchestra was only 30 seconds to Mars playing you off. Congratulations on a well-deserved Oscar victory, darling. You are the only you out there right now.

Honorable mention goes to Leonardo DiCaprio who wore Jennifer Meyer cufflinks and ate an Oscar Meyer hot dog shortly after ripping up his acceptance speech… again. Hey, at least he was able to hold some sort of Oscar that night. Poor Leo. Poor, poor, incredibly wealthy and good-looking Leo. What ever shall he do?

To wrap up, it was a star-studded, and star-collared sort of night, and in my opinion, far from disappointing in the jewelry category, regardless of sex.

Until the next red carpet, my loves…