My city is an Atlanta suburb, so it’s pretty common for folks around these parts to talk about grills in the summertime considering that Home Depot was started here, but it’s grills of a different sort that are getting loads of attention on the fashion circuit these last couple of weeks. Or rather, grillz.

Recently, Madge the Great and Scary was seen sporting a gold and diamond grill at the opening of her Hard Candy Fitness Center chain (coming to a neighborhood near you that houses people with nothing better to do!). But according to the New York Post (forgive me for using the NYP as a source, but, with a grill story it’s almost necessary), it isn’t the first time in recent months that Madge tGaS has been seen sporting the lavish mouth gear. In fact, Perez Hilton (New York Post AND Perez Hilton, Barbara??) shows us in this recent blog post that Madgy McScarystein isn’t the only one donning smile bling these days.

Being a forty-year-old woman who once shaved her head bald and sports somewhere between one and ten tattoos, I understand the desire for youthful expression, but what exactly does a diamond grill say? My shaved head was my way of saying that my long, luxuriously chestnut brown hair didn’t define me. It was a way of getting people to see my face and find the honesty in it through expression, without my hair acting as a curtain that my reality could hide behind.  What stances are the celebrities of today (and 1997) trying to make with a face full of gemstones? What is the underlying meaning of a blinged-out smile or in the case of Kanye West, growl? As a regular gal, I set out to find the answer by seeing if I could rock my own sparkly piece of mouth-candy.

As stated above, I don’t live in Backwoods, Arkansas, so finding local establishments that would make a tricked-out diamond grill wasn’t as hard as I hope… er… expected. I found a fairly well-known jeweler in the Atlanta area who was willing to do it if I could provide them with a mouth model from my dentist. “Cool,” I thought, but on a blogger’s budget I wasn’t about to spend the money necessary to get the model done and then have the grill created just for a good story (and let’s face it, a good picture). I’m a realist, after all. I then had the idea that I’d try calling on pawn shops. JACKPOT!! Not only did I find three pawn shops that had diamond grillz on premises, I found one that said they would let me try theirs on. Think about that for a moment, loves. I found a pawn shop in Atlanta that was going to allow me to try on a diamond grill that they had for sale. The sheer thought of the concept gave me gingivitis, and with my middle name being “chicken-sh*t” I politely declined the offer.

Me: How in the hell am I going to get a grill for this piece?

Alternate Me: Wait! The seasonal Halloween store opened in the strip mall up the road! They probably have something!

Me: Nah. Too fake looking.

Alternate Me: I could always Photoshop a grill on a nice picture of myself.

Me: Possibly. But let’s make that a last resort.

Us: Agreed.

Just then, it dawned on us. On me, rather. Why not use the best substitute available? Bingo. It’s perfect. PERFECT. And now… the set up…

Ever want to come home after a long day at the office, take a hot shower, and lay back in your bed just before slipping on your rockin’ hot diamond grill? Yeah, me too. That’s exactly what I did last night as you can see to the right.

Oh, yeah… yeah… now I totally get what these celebrities are feeling. Mmmmmm…. It’s like ice for your teeth, which would suck if you had sensitive teeth but I don’t so it’s AWESOME. Let’s see what it feels like if I do a Miley Cyrus tongue.

That was a wonderful experience. Seriously, I feel so glam but yet so trashy ghetto in a twerky-Hannah-Montana-my-dad-wears-a-mullet sort of way. It’s as if my periodontist put acid on my retainer. So trippy. So beautifully trippy and hip.

Are these people @#$*% idiots? I look like a madman, and I’m a woman for Pete’s sake. Who in their right mind would ever seriously think that this is something that is anything but ridiculous? Oh. That’s right. Never mind.

For those wondering, that’s a six-and-a-half carat diamond tennis bracelet in my mouth. It’s my own. I didn’t borrow it, Photoshop it, or have it made for this post. It’s the one I wear when I’m dressed up for a night on the town or for a fancy event or gala of any kind. I wear it on my wrist, where it belongs, because it’s a classy, timelessly-styled piece of jewelry that makes me and everyone around me feel good—not uncomfortable—the way a beautiful piece of jewelry should. There’s a time and a place for fun, funky, and edgy jewelry, but grills should remain where they belong – on my deck, underneath my homemade burgers and a pan a fresh asparagus.

(Mic drop)